20 uses for a dead newspaper

by Jon Donley on June 9, 2009

Fried Okra

One of the social-​buzz phe­nom­ena of 1981 was the book “101 Uses for a Dead Cat,” an imitation-​spawning macabre book of car­toons of cat car­casses being used in humor­ous ways. Sorry PETA, I’m just a reporter. 

Some­thing dawned on me as I pre­pared to remove the first load of sizzling-​hot cornmeal-​breaded okra from the fryer. Crit­i­cal equip­ment for drain­ing sizzling-​hot cornmeal-​fried any­thing is news­pa­per. And the foot-​high stack of old news­pa­pers perched on the kitchen counter of every home from the time I was a child … didn’t exist. In my cur­rent loca­tion in Chain­saw Coun­try, I get one news­pa­per a week through the mail … and it is ded­i­cated to the love­bird cage.

This was a defin­ing moment, and it caused me to reflect on the true value of the news­pa­per fac­tory (as dif­fer­en­ti­ated from jour­nal­ism). What would our lives be like with­out the day-​old news­pa­per, with its two-​day-​old news? I came up with 20 quick uses to which I put the paper. At some point, I expect John Kerry to bring some of these issues to the fore in the ongo­ing con­gres­sional hear­ings on the woes of the media moguls. Here’s my list of 20 uses for a dead newspaper. 

  1. Drain­ing sizzling-​hot fried cornmeal-​breaded anything
  2. Wrap­ping fish, for doorstep deliv­ery of a mes­sage … or otherwise
  3. Sud­den shower, instant umbrella
  4. Yes, Drill Sergeant, I will pol­ish every streak from the windows!
  5. Mulching around the okra plants.
  6. Gift wrap, espe­cially the funny papers
  7. Raw mate­r­ial for papier-mâché Mardi Gras masks (Hail Rex and the New Orleans Times-​Picayune!)
  8. Ditto for piñatas (Viva El Rey Feo y El San Anto­nio Express-​News!)
  9. Stuff­ing cracks in the doors when a Blue Norther whips in off the Panhandle
  10. Pack­ing your stuff — who wants to pay for bub­ble wrap?
  11. Napoleon hats (for pub­lish­ers) or printer’s caps (for the orig­i­nal “web” guys)
  12. Ani­mals — Bird cages, ken­nels and car­ri­ers, puppy train­ing sheets and brooders
  13. Kin­dling — Even Eagle Scouts have to light damp wood sometimes
  14. Mess-​stopper — A layer of news­pa­per catches drips, crumbs, fin­ger­paint and mod­el­ing clay
  15. Cre­at­ing Green prod­ucts — Such as morally cor­rect scratchy toi­let paper and egg cartons
  16. Splat­ting flies and spat­ting poo-​poo pups
  17. Makeshift torches for burn­ing out yel­low­jacket nests
  18. Pack­ing around cov­ered dish to keep the tuna casse­role warm until the post-​sermon potluck
  19. Muf­fler pranks
  20. And most impor­tant … (this isn’t a joke) repair­ing metro New Orleans levees

Feel free to add your own.

Tagged as: humor, News industry, Newspapers

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